Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
