Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
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