Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
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