I haven't been this sober since birth.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
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