i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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