He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
