I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Randomize
