why do cheetos always look like penises
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
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