Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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