im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
