...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Randomize