I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
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