1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Randomize
