What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Randomize
