I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
The air taste purple.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
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