I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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