Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
