fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Randomize
