you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
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