I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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