Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Randomize
