when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
I love the progression of these pictures. I go from cute to Courtney Love
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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