Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Randomize
