i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Why is your signature on my underwear?
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
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