You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
