I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
