Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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