Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
he high fived his dick after we had sex
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
