I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
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