I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
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