he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Randomize
