God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
