I think I died a long time ago.
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
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