Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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