Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
