Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
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