i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
Randomize
