I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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