Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
Randomize
