We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Randomize
