Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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