I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
it hurts more in the daytime
I've blown a few things in my day
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
