DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
