he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
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