Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
