R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Randomize
