Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
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