also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
