just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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