I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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