my room smells like sperm. sweet.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
