i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Randomize
