You're completely useless in the revolution.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
