I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
porn star boner night. come get it.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
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