Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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