i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
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