He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Randomize
