im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
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