I just cut my nipple shaving
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
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