I looked at my own cervix.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
