he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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