I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
