Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys